From 1995 to 2010 (Ages 0 – 15)

  • Weekly fights at home
    • In front of the whole society
      • Feeling of embarrassment
      • Still everyone supported us
    • Never even thought of long term effects when I was a child
    • Always wondered as a child
      • Would I ever know whose fault this was?
      • Would I ever know what caused all of this?
    • 10s of important events not documented here

2004 / 2005 (Age 9)

  • Cursing, screaming and fighting at home
    • Screams etched in my memory
  • Went to school that day
    • Prayer in the open
      • Started crying
    • My friend Nisit consoled me
      • He asked me why I was crying
        • Couldn’t answer him what I witnessed

2009 (Age 14)

  • Fight at home in front of relatives
    • Accusations of infidelity made
      • Bitter back and forth
    • I and my brother started crying
      • Relatives consoled us after taking to a separate room

October 2010 (Age 15)

  • Immigrated to United States
    • Poor and relying upon other people for next few years
      • Wearing my cousins’ clothes, etc

August 2011 (Age 16)

  • Fall in love with an unknown person
    • I reflect upon this as the most innocent I have been / will ever be
      • No sensual thoughts
      • I simply felt affection
    • Emotional pain for next 3 years
    • This is when my ADHD / depression symptoms began
      • Did not know for next 11 years
      • Report cards show inability to pay attention
        • They cannot show my pain
        • Compare my grades from May 2011 to May 2012

2012 (Age 17)

  • Fight at home
    • Got abused in front of guests
      • “No one wants to see your face”
      • Went inside my room and wept
        • Felt deeply hurt emotionally

August 2016 (Age 21)

August 2016 (Age 21)

  • Huge fight at home
    • Police called
      • I was witness
      • Police asked me questions
      • Police was lied to
    • Wanted to leave US for India
      • Decided to stay

August 2016 (Age 21)

  • Relative ran away from the house
    • Got a phone call
      • Go search
    • I recall my heart beat so fast
      • What if committed suicide?
      • Where do I go search?
    • Going for the search
      • Drove around
      • Found relative seated on a bench in public
      • Felt apprehensive approaching my relative
        • First thing I hear is “kill me”

January 2018 (Age 22)

  • Intrusive thoughts of suicide
    • For a month
      • Impossible to stop racing thoughts
      • Techniques (meditation, etc) only momentarily useful
    • Jittery
      • Walking around all day

May 2019 (Age 24)

  • Relative issued threat of suicide
    • “You will be held responsible for my death”
      • Such threats should be banned by law
        • But why punish those who are already perishing?
    • Powerful weapon
      • I cannot stop someone from taking their own life directly
      • Suicide often not preceded by warnings
        • Suicide is easy to think & hard to follow through
        • Threats primarily used as manipulation by ignorant or malicious people
    • Next few days
      • Racing thoughts wouldn’t stop
        • “What if really commits suicide”
        • “Should I call the police”
          • Did not want to create more problems
            • Even though it should be the right thing to do
      • Guilt

May 2021 (Age 26)

  • Sleep paralysis
    • First time in my life
      • Most frightening experience
        • Lasted 1-2 minutes
        • Woke up to consciousness without any body control
          • Couldn’t breathe
          • Couldn’t move my hand
          • Couldn’t move my leg
        • Couldn’t go back to sleep
      • Has gotten better with time
    • Found its name months later
      • Thought it was a stroke at first
  • Tinnitus
    • Permanent ringing in ears
      • Exposure to loud music

May 2022 (Age 27)

  • Felt like banging my head against the wall for relief
    • Could not stop racing and intrusive thoughts
      • I tried 100s of techniques that all failed
    • Later learned this is symptom of depression

August 2022 (Age 27)

  • Verbal fight at home
    • Receiving end of bitterness
      • “You ruined my life” etc
      • “I’m tired of this life” etc
    • Anger possessed me
      • No relief for days and months

May 2023 (Age 28)

  • Verbal fight at home
    • Receiving end of bitterness
      • “You ruined my life” etc
      • Lied upon to relatives
        • I hate being defamed by lies
    • Forced to leave my own apartment
      • Even though I pay rent
        • Felt pathetic
        • Cancelled because I could not afford two rents
    • Felt anger inside of me
      • Tried many ways to remediate it
        • I walked around for hours at Orlando Wetlands Park
          • When I think about the picture I took below
            • I feel like my anger was visible in my forehead …
      • Failed to calm myself at all
        • I blew up on other people from cricket team, etc…

Psychiatry

  • Psychiatrists diagnose based on mental & behavioral symptoms rather than biological tests
    • There are no quantifiable metrics, scans, tests etc
    • Patient tells symptoms to psychiatrists
    • Medicines are prescribed to a patient through trial & error
  • May 22 – Lexapro
    • 1st Psychiatrist
      • Asked me my symptoms
        • “Intrusive thoughts”
          • “My mind gets flooded with same thoughts so I cannot think or focus” “
  • September 22 – Sertraline
  • April 23 – Concerta
    • SSRI ineffective
    • Accidentally observed caffeine helped me in March 23
    • Went in with the intention of telling Psychiatrist I have ADHD
    • Lied at the end when doctor asked me if I saw any psychiatrist before
      • Deeply ashamed of my impulsive lie “No”
      • Doctor had my prior history open so he caught my lie
        • I didn’t know what to say but I had to confess to it
        • Yet he was very graceful and prescribed me ADHD medication
  • Jul 23 to Sep 23 – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
    • One of the most effective treatments
    • Therapist
      • 1 hour twice a week
      • Would let me speak everything that bothered me so that it would be “off my chest”
        • He allowed me to speak that which bothered me
      • Shared certain life events that impacted me
      • Shared behavioral changes that impacted others
      • Some practical tips to mitigate events

Symptoms

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Impulsivity
  • Inattentiveness
  • Intrusive Thoughts
  • Procrastination

Self-help

  • L-Tyrosine
  • L-Tryptophan
  • 5 HTP
  • Shower
  • Caffeine
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Life & Behavioral Impacts

  • Life Impacts
    • Health
    • Education
      • High School
      • University
      • Graduation
    • Employment
      • Job Search
  • Behavioral Impacts
    • Procrastination
    • Strife
    • Anger spilling out
    • Rudeness
    • Negativity
    • Verbal abuse
    • Impulsivity
  • Increase in dopamine seeking activities
    • Leisurely driving around
    • Too much music
    • Recreational gambling / betting
    • Playing video games

Avoiding Strife

  • Highlighting someone’s weakness creates a strifeful desire in them to highlight our weakness
    • Help those who want to improve
      • This gives the helper freedom to highlight any weak area and how it can be converted into strength
    • With those who are not explicitly looking for improvement
      • Be friendly and be kind
      • Do not try to help by suggesting improvements until explicitly asked
      • Do not try to solve their problems until explicitly asked
    • Litmus test of seriousness about becoming better is how one reacts to highlighting of one’s weakness
      • Whether I accept my weakness at all
      • My attitude towards people who highlight my weakness etc…

Avoiding Anger

Avoiding Negativity

  • Scientific way of thinking is analysis vs synthesis, what works vs what doesn’t
    • It’s good to know the negative aspect of everything
      • pros vs cons of eating junk food
      • how to drive without getting in an accident
      • how to travel without being a victim of crime, etc …
    • Just avoid communicating negativity to others unless it’s a scientific discourse
      • It’s strenuous for human mind to think using logic / reason
      • It’s not cordial for either party
  • Human mind identifies the faults of other people instinctively
    • When we think of other people, their faults and sins always live at the top of our minds
      • This person is more lusty and perverted than I am
      • This person is more greedy than I am
      • This person talks annoyingly etc…
    • It’s true that person can only improve if firstly a person becomes aware of their faults
      • There are very few people I met who prefer honesty over self-preservation
      • I should also seek people who are honest and transparent with me
        • It hurts me temporarily but it’s better for me in the long-term
    • If I have to highlight someone’s fault to prevent a poor future event, let me start by highlighting my own fault
      • This makes the other person feel more comfortable and connected

Avoiding Impulsivity